Gifts...

Well, it looks like everything is going to be alright...I was in a meeting the other night and someone shared something that brought me full circle. This individual is in a real struggle. It is a struggle that I know all too well...its about broken families living in fear and complete uncertainty. It's about nowhere to go but still placing one foot in front of the other and cracking a joke whenever possible.

"Luck is when preparation meets opportunity" someone used to tell me...

Thanks Universe.

Sober Holidays...

So, the Thanksgiving meal was almost over with when a call came in...the call almost went unanswered but the ring had a certain sound to it. The phone was picked up and the voice belonged to my sister. It was saying something like dad rolled a truck four times and is on life support. "Isn't dad in jail," I asked? She went on to inform me that he was able to get a little break in between jail terms (something about 5 DUI's in 6 months...) and managed to borrow someone's vehicle just in time to get wasted and drive.

I can't help but laugh right now, but it did take a little while for the intitial shock to wear off. I thought what she was telling me was that my dad was dead and they were pulling the tube. Turns out, they removed the breathing tube as he was able to breath on his own. I thought about his disappointment when he woke up alive. I felt the desperation. What I felt wasn't the typical reserved anger, it was sadness and empathy. Being such a sick individual has driven him to routinely violent, selfish and tragic behavior over the years. Even though I have forgiven him and have managed a great deal of peace in the process, there still seems to be some things between us that need to be resolved if possible.

He's been doing his best to die for quite some time. This will just go down as one more unsuccessful attempt and a large extension to his vacation. The timing of an alcoholic is impeccable. The options are few when the the individual is active. The Big Book says the only way out for a wet drunk is jails, institutions or death. These come in all forms and operate on their own time schedules.

The other night, someone asked me if I was still "on the wagon." I said yes and he asked "Why?"

Um, yeah, I'll take life please.

Happy Thanksgiving....

That's what I keep telling myself anyway...seriously though, I am very thankful. At this moment, I am thankful to be clean and sober on a holiday. Sobriety...a cosmic achievement for this seeker of solutions. I can't remember the last time I was here during a family gathering of any sort. It's been a while for sure. Funny to think back to all of the times I have wanted to stop my intake completely. The hangup was always Turkey-Day, Christmas and New Years...and, well, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Presidents' Day, tax return day....then summer arrived and there was no way I could bust my ass all day in the beating sun and not quench it with an ice cold, beautiful, beer or twelve.

Maybe that is what I have to be truly thankful for on this Day. I am breaking a cycle. I am walking through a holiday season in a conscious and present state. I had resigned myself to my addictive ways long ago, and to be where I am today is nothing short of awesome. Somewhere along the line, this ride took a serious turn for the better, and for that I am extremely thankful.

Recovery First. Most other things are just imaginary anyway...

God's Love....

Now, before you run for the hills with the fear in your mind that this is going to turn into some kind of Billy Graham monologue...chill the fuck out. The term has been thrown around quite a bit lately. Especially in the circles I tend to run in now.

I've been reading a book called The Power of Now. There's a lot in those pages for folks like me. Being present allows me time to appreciate the things around me that have gone unnoticed for so long. I feel there is a pure kind of love in the Universe. I have felt it at times. It has no want or need, it just is what it is. I feel we all have this love or light that comes out of us no matter what. My own comfort relies on an inimpeded flow of my light. When something interferes with my output for very long, things start to go wrong in me. Generally speaking, it is me who interferes with the flow. Sometimes, I desperately want to hold my light back in order to get something I want or I think I need. Other times, I desperately try to make certain pieces of my spectrum brighter than they really are for the same reasons. Any time I attempt to manually control this power or purpose, or whatever the hell we're gonna call it...shit goes wrong. It's a guranteed trip to "there." There is that place I've never been but I've always thought I was headed to. I can tell you what every tree and bush looks like. I can tell you what the people are like and how good the coffee is....but there is a fundamental problem in that this "there" does not exist....sorry to break it to everyone. Sorry that you had to read about it here. But--at least we are here. Yes.

So, God's Love. Yeah, I feel it resides in us all and our primary purpose is to let that love-light shine unimpeded. Without obstacle.

Good Luck with that....

Easy Does It...

Tomorrow will be four months clean and sober. Hard to believe. Being the incredible self-critic I am...I can't believe that I am not yet President, or Vice President, or always humble, or always anything for that matter. I am still me, no matter what I do, where I am, or where I am going. There is solace in this bit of knowledge, but also a tremendous amount of exasperation...after all, I've spent a lifetime trying to get away from me.


Present. I know if I can just stay present, everything is going to be just the way it is...which is how it should be, if it is anything at all. Anywhere from once to twenty times a day, I dip a toe into the future or the past. The result is always the same...extreme amounts of stress and fear. I feel almost incapacitated when these two show up in any amount. Yeesh! You'd think I might learn but no, no, no.

On the other hand, I feel more has been accomplished in the last four month period than ever before in my life. I guess the present key is to remain grateful and happy. Funny what happened when I first started tasting reality...I just wanted more and more. Greed creating a state of perpetual unrest. Well, living clean and sober definitely isn't boring....this is for sure.

Adjustment, a very close friend of mine said, is the key to life. I think he may be right. Possessing the ability to make constant small adjustments in methods of living has been a key element in the procurement of happiness. The Universe proves daily that there are few constants. The whole system is comprised of a perpetual series of adjustments and changing relationships. Food for thought.

Feelings...

I have been flooded by these things. Verifiably inundated. Smothered. Bombarded. Feelings are driving me to my knees today.

I just want to scream out loud something like..."I am so fucked up I can't think straight"... and then burst into a barrage of some of the most incredible crying ever witnessed! That doesn't bid well for continued employment however. How the hell am I going to get out of this one? This thought continuously replays in my highly limited brain. How? My historic approach was to use alcohol, drugs, people and geography to hide from how I really felt. The game has changed. It had to and I know this...but shit man, the new way can be so damned difficult. No more lubrication for my bearings of denial. They are seizing up and the old ways are being forced the way of T-Rex, flint-locks and the Where's the Beef lady. I can't help but dream of the days when there were two channels and two flavors of Gatorade.

I have faith that my complete ineptitude at dealing with life will improve to at least a basal level. I know that one day, and it could be tomorrow, it's going to be great to have the option of Berry Blast and 10 different types of HBO. It will come and whatever is to be will be. It's going to come a lot faster when I can relenquish my imaginary control of everything in my life. In fine style, my insatiable appetite for control is what chained me down in the first place. My spirit laughs at me. You should too.

My name is Blank and I am a Runner....

I have been in constant motion for as long as I can remember. Recovery has given me some beautiful time to reflect on my life. In this time, I have identified some fairly predictable patterns. Namely, whenever the truth about me was close to being discovered I would be on the move. Paralyzing fear would take over my mind, and the disconnect between head and heart would strengthen rapidly. Slowly or rapidly in some cases, my intellect would take over the most important parts of me that I have to offer. What we have been programmed to become really wants everything to stay the same. Healthy and happy people tend to resist becoming otherwise and tragic characters seem to do the same.

My name is Blank and I have a Thinking Problem may have been a more apt title.

Thanks Universe. Over and Out.

Prayer, Resentment, Forgiveness

One thing I am learning is that I am personally full of resentments. All sorts. They are inevitable I guess, or at least have been up till this point. As I admit them and work toward amending them they become fewer and fewer. There are some things, however, that are difficult to surrender to. Some cuts run deeper than others...but I have come to understand that I must forgive and I must purvey goodwill to all I come into contact with. That is the key to a happy and healthy me. In being handed this knowledge, I have come to realize that I need to develop an effective method of praying for anyone at any moment. Sort of an emergency response to resentment and the insanity that will assuredly follow.

MY PRAYER FOR THOSE I FEEL HAVE DONE ME HARM

I pray that you reach your bottom. I pray that you find it sooner rather than later. Like me, life has given you your share of pain. It is this pain you carry that causes you great harm. Your inability to acknowledge what you carry makes it possible for you to do harm to those around you. You do this without insight and without empathy. You are at times unable to feel and I am sorry for you. I am sorry that you are only living a half-life. I want desperately to help you...to show you some of the things I have learned...but your adherence to the old ways prevents your humility in an absolute sense. The pity I used to horde for myself is now yours. That is why I pray for you to reach your bottom...so you may have the ability and choice to build anew if you so desire. I pray that the world will have someone of your experience out in the Light. I pray that you may live your life under the guidance of the Universe. Living a new way. I pray these things for you. Now and always.

I am going to just go with this for a while and see how it works out. I'll let you know. Prayer seems to work, no matter how I do it.

Peace.

Welcome to All.....

After some gentle prodding and direction by earthlings very close to my heart, I have been convinced to share my process of Recovery with you, My Universe. This started over 3 months ago....July 22nd, 2008 to be exact. Prior to that date, I had successfully developed a mode of thinking and being that was at complete odds with the Universe.
How did I know? Well, there is an adage that states, "I was too tired to live but more scared to die." Another states..."the bottom is the place where you have lost or are about to lose the one thing more important than alcohol and drugs." Prior to finding the bottom, I often wondered what it looked and felt like. My own experience has shown me that you know it when you get there...it's that simple. If you are headed there, only one person can pull the emergency brake. That person is you.
I am writing this from a place of serenity...a place I did not know existed until very recently. Mmm, the sound of life happening. The sound of here. The sound of now. Here and now are all that matter. These two things, I have found, are among my only true possessions in this world.

I pray they become possessions of yours as well.